Testing 123

Hi there,

It really has been so long. I'm just seeing if this thing is still working. I just updated the look of my blog. I'm not sure yet if I want to invest a whole lot into this blogging endeavor.

So many things have happened since my last post. Maybe I'll come back to write a few things...

It is my hope that you are doing well.


Until next time,
Derika

Mebbay

This is my friend "Mebbay" whom I feel really thankful for. I've known this girl for less than a year, but it's crazy how comfortable I already am with her. She's one of the few people I've met in college who has seen behind my guarded walls. I know it sounds dramatic, but it's the truth. I don't let people in easily, especially since it's so easy to walk out. My life isn't perfect, but don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed. I simply choose to not share my life story with every single person I meet. ~~Mebbay gets me though and she doesn't care about my past. She accepts me for who I am today and looks forward for my future. I know I have her support and I know I can always count on her to listen to me -- even when I'm whining or being plain ridiculous. I don't throw "I love yous" often because I want them to really mean something. With this girl, however, I can honestly say those words with conviction. She has my back and I have hers. I'm really looking forward to the memories we'll make as our college years and the rest of our lives pass us by. Mebbay's a keeper, and though we don't talk or see each other everyday, it's so nice to know that our friendship remains alive within our hearts. 

Love you girlie! <3


-derika



P.S. We take LOTS of pics when we hang out. And we sing loudly to songs on Youtube like we're Beyonce! :) 

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POTD

-sunny winter day in Seattle
-wavy hair when I woke up
-not having to wake up to an alarm clock
-waking up to a good dream (TAI ;P )
-simplicity, peacefulness, and happiness

Cleansed

Today was such a long day, but it was a happy day. I feel renewed, alive, grateful. Church this evening was a great way to end my crazy and stressful week. I want to dance dance dance dance! ...and if you know me, I can't do that very well, so I guess I mean do random, stiff movements with a big smile on my face. hehe. :) 

Here's a pic of me and two friends from earlier this evening. My friend doesn't like this pic of her because she thinks her cheeks look super big and because she looks super chinky, but I think she's cute. haha. My other friend lost a bunch of weight, so he's swimming in his suit. He needs to update his wardrobe! I don't know what to say about myself... I look chinky I guess, and my coat makes me look bigger? Haha. I like that outfit nonetheless. 

Kayy, until the next post!



Love,
derika<3

My baby brother was once a baby.

Watching and hearing my 15-year old brother's expressions as he browses my Pets board on Pinterest........ such an amusing thing to see as an older sister. :) 
*sigh*
I love these intimate moments with family! <3
I wanted to post this as my status on Facebook, but I didn't want to embarrass him. Haha.


Cheers to this post that'll remind me of the #little things when I forget. 

TAI

"...And you can't lose what you never had
I don't understand why I feel sad..."



"Can't Let Go"

School downs

*sigh*

It's just one of those nights when I feel like giving up. Goodness, why is college so difficult?? College is definitely not about what you know, but rather about what you can "prove" you know. :T College is hard, but I refuse to give up. I refuse. I refuse. I refuse! On my bulletin board right above my desk, I have this posted:

When you feel like you're drowning in life, 

don't worry, 

your Lifeguard walks on water. 

I just have to turn my frown upside down and keep treading forward. 

I love school.

I love school.

I love school.

I love school. 

School is fun.

School is fun.

School is fun.

[The more I repeat, the more it becomes true, right? lol.]

Pray for me folks! 

With love,

derika<3

19!

One more blog for the night! This pic was taken on my 19th birthday. I love this picture, and quite frankly, I could care less if you don't. So if you're looking at this.....

It

is

Awesome

Period

-End of story-

Surprise!

Hi there!

This is a late post, sorry I haven't been keeping you up to date! Something important happened to me.... On the 15th of December 2012, I got over my feelings for Tai. :) I want to get into details, but it's almost 1am, and it's been more than a month since it's happened. Just know that God was quick to answer my prayer and removed my "distraction" when I asked him to. Tai is nevertheless a great person, and I still find him attractive. I guess the only thing that's changed is that I don't mind not being able to have something more than friendship with him.  I actually feel really relieved, believe it or not. I don't feel guilty when I see him, or feel sadness in my heart for not being able to express my feelings towards him. I'm happy to be able to talk to him without hesitation, without caution, without fear of having my feelings known. God has a plan for me---I always try to remember that. I may want certain things to happen for me, but does God want those same things for me? I trust with all my heart that He knows best, so I've decided to be patient - to wait. A very good friend of mine once told me that God is preparing someone for me and He is preparing me for someone. When we both are ready, He will bring us together. ~~~Such a wonderful thing to say, right??!! I love her. <3 

Anyway, raise your glass to me because I have and am saying goodbye to Tai! 

Goodbye, Tai! Goodbye, girl who hurt because of Tai! You both are free! May you both fly and be happy. May you both find your place in the arms of those God has planned for you.

In the meantime, I'm going to fantasize about my Mr. Darcy.....or Damon Salvatore. It's not wrong to dream, right? :P 



Goodbye, friend. Until next time.

With love,
derika<3


P.S. Enjoy this pic of my chub cheeks and messy hair. Those cheeks will be hopefully less pronounced by April! Hahaha

Losing You

So this blog's gonna be about a close friend of mine.... I feel like I'm losing her, and I don't know if it's because we're both too busy with our lives, or because I'm distancing myself from her... 

It's weird.....especially since we're rooming together! Never in a million years did I think I'd feel like this. I hardly see her, and when we're both at home, we hardly talk because of homework or because she's out in the living room with my other roommate, who I feel isn't too fond of me. I can hardly articulate how I feel at the moment, my apologies. There are just so many things going through my head. I don't really know how to feel. I'm sad, but am I over-complicating things? Am I being too sensitive? Am I being too guarded? Am I just being jealous? *sigh*

Fine.

Let me say it. She doesn't keep up with my blog anyway....

I think I'm jealous. I'm upset.

She and my other roommate have a relationship we don't have. Firstly, they're from the same place, they speak the same language, so I automatically am left out, especially when they're laughing and talking in their native tongue! Secondly, they're majoring in the same thing!! They're taking the same classes, doing the same projects, studying together, etc etc etc. Did I forget to mention that they've known each other longer than we have? Her boyfriend lives in our apartment too (something I did not sign up for, btw!), and I honestly feel like they're a threesome while I'm just put off to the side------such a loner. If I wasn't here, I bet it wouldn't make a difference, since they hardly talk to me, or try to get to know me. Can you imagine the situation I'm in? I feel so alone.... I thought this living situation was going to be better than the dorms, but it isn't. At least in the dorms I had people to talk to all the time. Here, I'm always in my room. I feel so confined, so restricted! I can't even be myself around my other roommate. She makes me feel so uncomfortable! I can feel her judgment in everything that I do, and I don't like that. She makes me feel so inferior, and I'm not an aggressive enough person to stand up for myself. I feel like my friend doesn't help the situation either. I want her to defend me, to stand up for me, but she just stands in the middle - between the other roommate and me. I know it's probably hard for her, since she's friends with both of us, but I want her to make me feel like she still cares for me. I tried being friends with the other roommate, tried talking to her and everything, but she's the one who's making it so difficult. I can sense that she doesn't care if we're friends or not, and that makes it super hard for me. I mean, I shouldn't care if we're friends or not either, right? It's her loss anyway, not mine! But I can't help feeling upset over some of the little things she does --- like excluding me by making dinner for the three of them, or asking the everyone in the apartment except me if they want hot chocolate. I feel jealous that they're able to laugh with each other. I feel jealous because this apartment is like a home to them, while to me, it's not. 

I'm not in a happy place at the moment. I'm not happy in this apartment. I'm not happy with the people I'm with. I'm not happy that I feel like I'm losing one of my closest friends to a girl who doesn't even like me! I'm not happy that I'm being judged. I'm not happy because I feel so alone. I'm just not happy...... :'( 

I'm really looking forward to next year when I get to move out... At least I'm friends with the people I'm moving in with. I wouldn't have to deal with someone who would judge me in everything that I do. I know that I'll be happier. 

Will I still be friends with my friend next year? That, I don't really know the answer to. I live with her, and I already feel like I'm losing her. Imagine not living with her.... What will happen then? 

Gosh. I'm being so emotional right now.... Tears running down my face and everything... Am I PMSing??? Gahhh, I don't know.. I really wish I could just tell someone how I feel right now. I want to tell my friend. I want to scream it to the world, but I can't. I guess that's why I have you, right? You're the only one that listens, besides Him, of course. Thanks for your time... I'm sure I'll write very soon.

With love,
derika

Can't get you out

I'm trying to ignore you. 
I'm trying to stay away.
But none of that even matters
Because I can always still see your face. 
Your face is in my head,
In my dreams when I'm sound asleep,
When I'm riding the Metro,
When I think about what to eat.

I want to escape you,
Ease the guilt I feel inside. 
I've got to get rid of temptation
And let the evilness subside.

Dead Week

This is me.

Sans make up,

Messy hair. 

It's dead week

and I am not ready

for the chem final that's about to kill me.

But this is my "I'm gonna get through this" face. 

So cross your fingers with me.

Let's hope and pray that all will go well.

Don't forget the coffee.

We mustn't forget the coffee. 

How else will I stay awake 

Until 4 in the morning? 

With love,

derika <3

P.S. I was really hesitant to post a pic of myself... Now the whole world can see who I am! 0_0 Maybe I'm just being paranoid...maybe not. Oh well. C'est la vie!

Belief

Being inconsiderate of others is such an ugly trait to have.

Tis the season....for Cranberry Bliss Bars

I promised I'd try to write about something different -- something unlike the last several posts. hehe. So here is my attempt to introduce to you some of the other things that go through my mind.

I love coffee. It's comforting on a chilly day. It keeps me awake when I need to be paying attention in class (haha). It's soothing, relaxing. 
Buying coffee can get expensive though. As a college student, I don't have the funds to go to Starbucks every since morning. That's about $25 a week! $25 can go towards my share of utilities for a month! I tried to limit how much I spent on coffee, so I decided to buy coffee only when I felt like I needed it most. That didn't work for me though. I missed it too much, I got tired. I then came up with the brilliant idea to brew my own coffee at home! I had a coffee maker anyway and it wasn't being put to good use. So ta-tun! Win-win situation for me-----I can have coffee whenever I want without spending so much money. My coffee in the picture was brewed with beans purchases from Starbucks. (I payed about $15 for a bag of beans. I can make so much coffee with that!)They grind the beans for you if you ask, so you don't need to worry about getting a grinder if you don't have one. I don't take my coffee black, so to that, I added peppermint mocha flavored creamer. -It was a really good cup of coffee..perfect for the holidays and the cold weather Mhmmm...-  

With that cup of coffee, I had what's called by Starbucks a "cranberry bliss bar." Take note, they only have these during the holidays. There things are soooo good. They have tons of sugar I'm sure, but I make myself feel better by using the "once in a while" excuse. You should try them. They're soft and chewy and sweet with a bit of tartness from the cranberries. It's definitely one of my favorite holiday treats! I was really feeling deep in the valley that day, but this little treat and the cup of coffee picked me right up! :} 

I hope life is treating you well! 
Until my next post - which probably won't be for a while because finals week is coming up. Take care until then!

With love,
derika <3

Strung up on you...

First off..... To all you readers out there (I know you're out there!), my life doesn't revolve around having crushes, dreaming of love, fantasizing about romantic dates, etc. It just seems like it. Haha. All my posts so far have had something to do with emotions of the heart, have they? I'll try to change that.... so that you'll get a further glimpse into the thoughts of this amazing girl. ;) (You need to make yourself feel good sometimes, right? Hehe. Maybe that's something I need to do less..lol.) But for now, I'm sorry to say, I must vent and write once again about this heart of mine, which is at this moment, burdened because of person mentioned in previous blog. Let's give this person a code name, shall we?! Hmmm...... Let's do TAI. If you're wondering how on earth I decided to go with 'Tai,' the reason's simple. I like his taste in ties. :{) (If you've read one of my first posts, you know by now that I have a thing with ties... haha.) Anyway........ Maybe I'll eventually get over Tai, and one day stumble on my blogs about him and laugh at how silly and infatuated I was. Maybe not. Maybe he'll be my prince charming, *gasp* my first and last, and I'll stumble upon my blogs about him and say "I knew it was him from the start." Oh goodness... I'm in too deep, huh? The latter is very unlikely, so Derika, if you're reading this right now, you're probably laughing, aren't you? Laugh away. Laugh away. I know I sound ridiculous right now.

Secondly, I need to post this blog quick. I have lots of other things I should be doing ----- like reading Oscar Wao (title shortened) for my English class, like preparing for my English presentation on Thursday, like working on my 5-7 page essay for English, like doing chemistry homework due on Friday, like reading my chem book to prepare for my chem final, like reading The Iliad for my Greek and Roman Mythology class, like like like like like like like like..... So much other stuff to do!! But, in my defense, I can't concentrate on all that other stuff I have to do because of this heart of mine, because of Tai.. So, like I said, I'll try to be quick with this blog. I'll vent it all out and be done.

Thirdly, WHY DO I THINK ABOUT TAI SO MUCH!!!??? He's been in my dreams a lot lately too! I mean, my thoughts are great; my dreams are great. But. They are all figments of my imagination. My fantasies. Far from reality. Far from what I want it to be. (I know I just wrote tons of fragments, but I'm trying to convey my emotions through sentence structure. Hahaha. Weirdo. Nerd. Anyway....) My heart/head is filled with guilt too. I cannot and shouldn't be thinking this way about Tai, especially since he looks really committed to his girl. I feel so wrong for feeling the way that I do, but I can't help it. Tai is just so attractive - attractive not only physically, okay? I'm not, or at least try not to be, superficial. I'm ridiculous, I know. I hardly know the guy outside of church... What I see and know about him from church is enough though. It's enough to set this heart of mine thumping. It's enough to tie my tongue into knots when I see him. I gave you a hint, didn't I? Yes, he's in the church. ;) What locale you may be wondering? My response: "the world may never know." Haha. Sorry, this information cannot be disclosed. But, I will give you another clue! I'm pretty sure he pays attention to his socks. They never take away from his outfit. They're like little cute surprises when he takes his shoes off. ~~~Ohmygosh.... -___- I sound like such a STALKER!!  Before you judge me, let me just say that that I like men's fashion. I have a Pinterest board titled "Boyss and Clothesss." Hahaha. So I'm very observant when it comes to the clothes guys wear....down to the socks. haha. Do I sound less stalker-y now? I hope so. What can you deduce from this? Yes, you're correct. He dresses well. More hints? He prays well (this increases his attractiveness a tenfold!) and sings well (this is another hint in itself!). He also has a nice smile. :) Have you figured it out? Nope? I thought so. Good luck! May the odds of you figuring out who it is be ever in your favor! Haha, yes, I referenced The Hunger Games...
My kuyas have been telling me that I shouldn't feel guilty about my feelings. "It's not like he's married" ---that's their reason. But still. I try telling myself that, but it doesn't work. The guilt still creeps up on me. I'm not wishing ill on his relationship or anything, but WHY CAN'T HE BE SINGLE!!??? :(( Or, why can't there be another Tai, a single Tai? *sigh*

Derika is 19.
Derika is thirsty for love...
Derika has never had anyone "special."
Derika desires to be loved.
Derika isn't ready to be in a relationship though.
Derika is complicated, huh?
Derika is weird.

I am interested in Tai. I want to know more about Tai. I feel guilty for feeling this way about Tai. What do I do??!! How do I get over this dilemma of mine?? Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Prayer. I'm sure prayer will do the trick.
*sigh* Just a guilty and selfish confession.... Prepare yourself, kay?
.......I wish Tai felt the same about me...

Kayyyy, I think I vented enough of it out. lol. This was supposed to be quick, but it's been almost an hour. If only I had as much enthusiasm to do my English homework, or homework in general! Haha. If only...

Okay, world, you'll hear from me soon! Hopefully next time it won't be about my adolescent yearnings again!  Haha. Let's cross our fingers!


Love <3,
Derika

Admiring from afar

You know what one of the worst feelings is.....for me, at least? Having a crush on someone you can't have because he has a significant other (lol). It's like, you find this person so attractive, so nice, so funny, and yada yada ya, but then you see him with his other half, and your heart just frowns. :/ Not to mention when the other half is gorgeous. It's an even greater blow to the heart. 

Anyway.....I shouldn't be sad about this. There's a time for everything, and I know that there are good things in store for me. I'll just be content and admire from afar. ~~~~~ 

I am beautiful, no matter what they say.

     I'm not usually one to post sappy stuff about love, but this picture right here represents one of my goals in life: to grow old with someone who'll love and cherish me even when my skin starts to sag and my hair turns to grey. 
     Now that I'm in college, I've been exposed to multiple arrays of the opposite sex. I've had crushes here and there, and there are lots of them whom I find attractive--but none of them are right for me. It's not that I'm looking or anything at the moment (a girl's allowed to have fun, right?), but there's a part of me that wants to experience being in a relationship as a teenager. I'm 18, so I've got 2 more years. (This sounds ridiculous to me; I wonder how it sounds to you...) Sometimes....scratch that...Most of the time, I feel like I'm not attractive to the opposite sex. I look at girls around me, girls my age, and wonder what they have that I don't. Am I intimidating? Am I too big for a girl? Do I look weird? Do I lack a sense of humor? ---Those are some of the things I ask myself. I always seem to look for a fault within me and I always try to convince myself that I'm the problem. But as of today, I'm making an official declaration. I AM BEAUTIFUL. And it's true. I may not have a perfect body, I may not be the prettiest, but no one is perfect. Why should I hurt over being imperfect when perfection is unattainable? The only thing I can do is to love myself and appreciate me for me. I am beautiful in my own special way, and like what Christina Aguilera sang, "words can't bring me down." A friend who is (luckily for me) also my roommate has been helping me with my "problem." One night, we were having a H2H, and she mentioned something along the lines of "If a person can't appreciate you for who you are, they aren't worth your time. They aren't worth your efforts." It's a simple logic, really, but hearing it directed towards me from someone I care about really threw some sense into me. I'm very blessed to be rooming with someone who likes me for me, instead of for what I have, what I can give, or what I look like. 
     Going back to one of my goals in life, another good friend of mine whom I adore said "God is preparing someone special for you, and He is preparing you for that person. When the time is right, He will bring you two together." Right now, God is preparing me. I shouldn't be antsy, but instead entrust everything unto Him because He has plans for me and truly knows what is best. Also, speaking nonreligisously (I don't even know if that's a word, ha!), I'm still 18. I've got lots o'days ahead of me, hopefully! Right now is not the time to worry about this stuff. There's a time for everything, and besides love for family and friends, I've got no time to worry about what the bloody red organ that beats inside of me symbolizes, if you get what I mean. With that, I'll tootle, do. 


-Dianne

Hello again....

Hi there,

It's really been a while since I've posted on here. I'm writing now, even though I really should be studying for my sociology test tomorrow, because I've realized that blogging (even though I feel like I'm still a nubie) is something I miss. I'll make it short----I can have the best of both worlds, you know? ;) But yee, reading my past entries brought back so many memories that I've put in the back of my mind... I know now that I've grown as a person. Those past experiences don't hurt me anymore, and I actually kind of feel silly for hurting before. But I'm human. We're human. We hurt. We cry. We feel. I also believe that our experiences shape who are are and what we're to become, so no matter how much I hurt in the past and no matter how much I will hurt in the future, I should always remember that those feelings--those experiences--serve a much greater purpose: to make me, me--Dianne.
It's 2:06am, and I need to get up at 8:30 for my 9:30 class. I wish I could write more, but I must go. Expect me soon. Writing this made me feel like a little kid whose mouth waters from watching other kids lick their ice cream in the summer sun. Just as the kid desires an ice cream cone of his one, I desire to write, write, write.

Til we meet again,
Dianne

Childhood Memories.

I saw this commercial on tv and chuckled to myself when the advertisement was over. I did the exact thing to my brother when we were younger! I even made him wear dresses and walk in heels! Hahaha, I was so sure he enjoyed it too! :)
It was a good reminder of my fun past, but it made me miss my little brother even more... It's okay... I'm going to see him soon! Yay!

[Click the link! Click the link! Watch it! Watch it!]


Cute Commercial

For You.

Why hello there,

You guys have been saying that I don't write much, so here! Pour vous! :) I'm really really really really really really really really really bored. I'd rather not do homework right now.... I'm kind of worried about my admission to UW. Do you think they'll say no even after I sent my enrollment statement and fee just because of a few Bs (maybe a C) on my final transcript? I know it's really bad that I'm being so lazy, especially now. I should really get myself together. I'm in a rut. There, I admitted it. I'm fat. I'm lazy. I'm not motivated. I don't feel pretty. Yes, I'm in a rut. HELP ME GET OUT OF IT! GET OUT OF IT!
It definitely sounds easier that it is... Oh goodness, what am I going to do. Man, this blog was supposed to make me happy! Now I'm just feeling like this -_-.
              Wow! That looks like a crying face!! I'm going to try it again!!
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                                                /.-_-.\
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=
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Right?! Or does it look like freckles? Or dimples! Hahaha.
Do you ever just look at yourself straight in the mirror, make silly faces, then laugh at your own silliness? If you haven't, you should really try it! It'll definitely brighten up your mood! :)

Kay, I have to use the bathroom.... Taddalu!


<3