Losing You

So this blog's gonna be about a close friend of mine.... I feel like I'm losing her, and I don't know if it's because we're both too busy with our lives, or because I'm distancing myself from her... 

It's weird.....especially since we're rooming together! Never in a million years did I think I'd feel like this. I hardly see her, and when we're both at home, we hardly talk because of homework or because she's out in the living room with my other roommate, who I feel isn't too fond of me. I can hardly articulate how I feel at the moment, my apologies. There are just so many things going through my head. I don't really know how to feel. I'm sad, but am I over-complicating things? Am I being too sensitive? Am I being too guarded? Am I just being jealous? *sigh*

Fine.

Let me say it. She doesn't keep up with my blog anyway....

I think I'm jealous. I'm upset.

She and my other roommate have a relationship we don't have. Firstly, they're from the same place, they speak the same language, so I automatically am left out, especially when they're laughing and talking in their native tongue! Secondly, they're majoring in the same thing!! They're taking the same classes, doing the same projects, studying together, etc etc etc. Did I forget to mention that they've known each other longer than we have? Her boyfriend lives in our apartment too (something I did not sign up for, btw!), and I honestly feel like they're a threesome while I'm just put off to the side------such a loner. If I wasn't here, I bet it wouldn't make a difference, since they hardly talk to me, or try to get to know me. Can you imagine the situation I'm in? I feel so alone.... I thought this living situation was going to be better than the dorms, but it isn't. At least in the dorms I had people to talk to all the time. Here, I'm always in my room. I feel so confined, so restricted! I can't even be myself around my other roommate. She makes me feel so uncomfortable! I can feel her judgment in everything that I do, and I don't like that. She makes me feel so inferior, and I'm not an aggressive enough person to stand up for myself. I feel like my friend doesn't help the situation either. I want her to defend me, to stand up for me, but she just stands in the middle - between the other roommate and me. I know it's probably hard for her, since she's friends with both of us, but I want her to make me feel like she still cares for me. I tried being friends with the other roommate, tried talking to her and everything, but she's the one who's making it so difficult. I can sense that she doesn't care if we're friends or not, and that makes it super hard for me. I mean, I shouldn't care if we're friends or not either, right? It's her loss anyway, not mine! But I can't help feeling upset over some of the little things she does --- like excluding me by making dinner for the three of them, or asking the everyone in the apartment except me if they want hot chocolate. I feel jealous that they're able to laugh with each other. I feel jealous because this apartment is like a home to them, while to me, it's not. 

I'm not in a happy place at the moment. I'm not happy in this apartment. I'm not happy with the people I'm with. I'm not happy that I feel like I'm losing one of my closest friends to a girl who doesn't even like me! I'm not happy that I'm being judged. I'm not happy because I feel so alone. I'm just not happy...... :'( 

I'm really looking forward to next year when I get to move out... At least I'm friends with the people I'm moving in with. I wouldn't have to deal with someone who would judge me in everything that I do. I know that I'll be happier. 

Will I still be friends with my friend next year? That, I don't really know the answer to. I live with her, and I already feel like I'm losing her. Imagine not living with her.... What will happen then? 

Gosh. I'm being so emotional right now.... Tears running down my face and everything... Am I PMSing??? Gahhh, I don't know.. I really wish I could just tell someone how I feel right now. I want to tell my friend. I want to scream it to the world, but I can't. I guess that's why I have you, right? You're the only one that listens, besides Him, of course. Thanks for your time... I'm sure I'll write very soon.

With love,
derika

Can't get you out

I'm trying to ignore you. 
I'm trying to stay away.
But none of that even matters
Because I can always still see your face. 
Your face is in my head,
In my dreams when I'm sound asleep,
When I'm riding the Metro,
When I think about what to eat.

I want to escape you,
Ease the guilt I feel inside. 
I've got to get rid of temptation
And let the evilness subside.

Dead Week

This is me.

Sans make up,

Messy hair. 

It's dead week

and I am not ready

for the chem final that's about to kill me.

But this is my "I'm gonna get through this" face. 

So cross your fingers with me.

Let's hope and pray that all will go well.

Don't forget the coffee.

We mustn't forget the coffee. 

How else will I stay awake 

Until 4 in the morning? 

With love,

derika <3

P.S. I was really hesitant to post a pic of myself... Now the whole world can see who I am! 0_0 Maybe I'm just being paranoid...maybe not. Oh well. C'est la vie!

Belief

Being inconsiderate of others is such an ugly trait to have.

Tis the season....for Cranberry Bliss Bars

I promised I'd try to write about something different -- something unlike the last several posts. hehe. So here is my attempt to introduce to you some of the other things that go through my mind.

I love coffee. It's comforting on a chilly day. It keeps me awake when I need to be paying attention in class (haha). It's soothing, relaxing. 
Buying coffee can get expensive though. As a college student, I don't have the funds to go to Starbucks every since morning. That's about $25 a week! $25 can go towards my share of utilities for a month! I tried to limit how much I spent on coffee, so I decided to buy coffee only when I felt like I needed it most. That didn't work for me though. I missed it too much, I got tired. I then came up with the brilliant idea to brew my own coffee at home! I had a coffee maker anyway and it wasn't being put to good use. So ta-tun! Win-win situation for me-----I can have coffee whenever I want without spending so much money. My coffee in the picture was brewed with beans purchases from Starbucks. (I payed about $15 for a bag of beans. I can make so much coffee with that!)They grind the beans for you if you ask, so you don't need to worry about getting a grinder if you don't have one. I don't take my coffee black, so to that, I added peppermint mocha flavored creamer. -It was a really good cup of coffee..perfect for the holidays and the cold weather Mhmmm...-  

With that cup of coffee, I had what's called by Starbucks a "cranberry bliss bar." Take note, they only have these during the holidays. There things are soooo good. They have tons of sugar I'm sure, but I make myself feel better by using the "once in a while" excuse. You should try them. They're soft and chewy and sweet with a bit of tartness from the cranberries. It's definitely one of my favorite holiday treats! I was really feeling deep in the valley that day, but this little treat and the cup of coffee picked me right up! :} 

I hope life is treating you well! 
Until my next post - which probably won't be for a while because finals week is coming up. Take care until then!

With love,
derika <3

Strung up on you...

First off..... To all you readers out there (I know you're out there!), my life doesn't revolve around having crushes, dreaming of love, fantasizing about romantic dates, etc. It just seems like it. Haha. All my posts so far have had something to do with emotions of the heart, have they? I'll try to change that.... so that you'll get a further glimpse into the thoughts of this amazing girl. ;) (You need to make yourself feel good sometimes, right? Hehe. Maybe that's something I need to do less..lol.) But for now, I'm sorry to say, I must vent and write once again about this heart of mine, which is at this moment, burdened because of person mentioned in previous blog. Let's give this person a code name, shall we?! Hmmm...... Let's do TAI. If you're wondering how on earth I decided to go with 'Tai,' the reason's simple. I like his taste in ties. :{) (If you've read one of my first posts, you know by now that I have a thing with ties... haha.) Anyway........ Maybe I'll eventually get over Tai, and one day stumble on my blogs about him and laugh at how silly and infatuated I was. Maybe not. Maybe he'll be my prince charming, *gasp* my first and last, and I'll stumble upon my blogs about him and say "I knew it was him from the start." Oh goodness... I'm in too deep, huh? The latter is very unlikely, so Derika, if you're reading this right now, you're probably laughing, aren't you? Laugh away. Laugh away. I know I sound ridiculous right now.

Secondly, I need to post this blog quick. I have lots of other things I should be doing ----- like reading Oscar Wao (title shortened) for my English class, like preparing for my English presentation on Thursday, like working on my 5-7 page essay for English, like doing chemistry homework due on Friday, like reading my chem book to prepare for my chem final, like reading The Iliad for my Greek and Roman Mythology class, like like like like like like like like..... So much other stuff to do!! But, in my defense, I can't concentrate on all that other stuff I have to do because of this heart of mine, because of Tai.. So, like I said, I'll try to be quick with this blog. I'll vent it all out and be done.

Thirdly, WHY DO I THINK ABOUT TAI SO MUCH!!!??? He's been in my dreams a lot lately too! I mean, my thoughts are great; my dreams are great. But. They are all figments of my imagination. My fantasies. Far from reality. Far from what I want it to be. (I know I just wrote tons of fragments, but I'm trying to convey my emotions through sentence structure. Hahaha. Weirdo. Nerd. Anyway....) My heart/head is filled with guilt too. I cannot and shouldn't be thinking this way about Tai, especially since he looks really committed to his girl. I feel so wrong for feeling the way that I do, but I can't help it. Tai is just so attractive - attractive not only physically, okay? I'm not, or at least try not to be, superficial. I'm ridiculous, I know. I hardly know the guy outside of church... What I see and know about him from church is enough though. It's enough to set this heart of mine thumping. It's enough to tie my tongue into knots when I see him. I gave you a hint, didn't I? Yes, he's in the church. ;) What locale you may be wondering? My response: "the world may never know." Haha. Sorry, this information cannot be disclosed. But, I will give you another clue! I'm pretty sure he pays attention to his socks. They never take away from his outfit. They're like little cute surprises when he takes his shoes off. ~~~Ohmygosh.... -___- I sound like such a STALKER!!  Before you judge me, let me just say that that I like men's fashion. I have a Pinterest board titled "Boyss and Clothesss." Hahaha. So I'm very observant when it comes to the clothes guys wear....down to the socks. haha. Do I sound less stalker-y now? I hope so. What can you deduce from this? Yes, you're correct. He dresses well. More hints? He prays well (this increases his attractiveness a tenfold!) and sings well (this is another hint in itself!). He also has a nice smile. :) Have you figured it out? Nope? I thought so. Good luck! May the odds of you figuring out who it is be ever in your favor! Haha, yes, I referenced The Hunger Games...
My kuyas have been telling me that I shouldn't feel guilty about my feelings. "It's not like he's married" ---that's their reason. But still. I try telling myself that, but it doesn't work. The guilt still creeps up on me. I'm not wishing ill on his relationship or anything, but WHY CAN'T HE BE SINGLE!!??? :(( Or, why can't there be another Tai, a single Tai? *sigh*

Derika is 19.
Derika is thirsty for love...
Derika has never had anyone "special."
Derika desires to be loved.
Derika isn't ready to be in a relationship though.
Derika is complicated, huh?
Derika is weird.

I am interested in Tai. I want to know more about Tai. I feel guilty for feeling this way about Tai. What do I do??!! How do I get over this dilemma of mine?? Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Prayer. I'm sure prayer will do the trick.
*sigh* Just a guilty and selfish confession.... Prepare yourself, kay?
.......I wish Tai felt the same about me...

Kayyyy, I think I vented enough of it out. lol. This was supposed to be quick, but it's been almost an hour. If only I had as much enthusiasm to do my English homework, or homework in general! Haha. If only...

Okay, world, you'll hear from me soon! Hopefully next time it won't be about my adolescent yearnings again!  Haha. Let's cross our fingers!


Love <3,
Derika

Admiring from afar

You know what one of the worst feelings is.....for me, at least? Having a crush on someone you can't have because he has a significant other (lol). It's like, you find this person so attractive, so nice, so funny, and yada yada ya, but then you see him with his other half, and your heart just frowns. :/ Not to mention when the other half is gorgeous. It's an even greater blow to the heart. 

Anyway.....I shouldn't be sad about this. There's a time for everything, and I know that there are good things in store for me. I'll just be content and admire from afar. ~~~~~ 

I am beautiful, no matter what they say.

     I'm not usually one to post sappy stuff about love, but this picture right here represents one of my goals in life: to grow old with someone who'll love and cherish me even when my skin starts to sag and my hair turns to grey. 
     Now that I'm in college, I've been exposed to multiple arrays of the opposite sex. I've had crushes here and there, and there are lots of them whom I find attractive--but none of them are right for me. It's not that I'm looking or anything at the moment (a girl's allowed to have fun, right?), but there's a part of me that wants to experience being in a relationship as a teenager. I'm 18, so I've got 2 more years. (This sounds ridiculous to me; I wonder how it sounds to you...) Sometimes....scratch that...Most of the time, I feel like I'm not attractive to the opposite sex. I look at girls around me, girls my age, and wonder what they have that I don't. Am I intimidating? Am I too big for a girl? Do I look weird? Do I lack a sense of humor? ---Those are some of the things I ask myself. I always seem to look for a fault within me and I always try to convince myself that I'm the problem. But as of today, I'm making an official declaration. I AM BEAUTIFUL. And it's true. I may not have a perfect body, I may not be the prettiest, but no one is perfect. Why should I hurt over being imperfect when perfection is unattainable? The only thing I can do is to love myself and appreciate me for me. I am beautiful in my own special way, and like what Christina Aguilera sang, "words can't bring me down." A friend who is (luckily for me) also my roommate has been helping me with my "problem." One night, we were having a H2H, and she mentioned something along the lines of "If a person can't appreciate you for who you are, they aren't worth your time. They aren't worth your efforts." It's a simple logic, really, but hearing it directed towards me from someone I care about really threw some sense into me. I'm very blessed to be rooming with someone who likes me for me, instead of for what I have, what I can give, or what I look like. 
     Going back to one of my goals in life, another good friend of mine whom I adore said "God is preparing someone special for you, and He is preparing you for that person. When the time is right, He will bring you two together." Right now, God is preparing me. I shouldn't be antsy, but instead entrust everything unto Him because He has plans for me and truly knows what is best. Also, speaking nonreligisously (I don't even know if that's a word, ha!), I'm still 18. I've got lots o'days ahead of me, hopefully! Right now is not the time to worry about this stuff. There's a time for everything, and besides love for family and friends, I've got no time to worry about what the bloody red organ that beats inside of me symbolizes, if you get what I mean. With that, I'll tootle, do. 


-Dianne

Hello again....

Hi there,

It's really been a while since I've posted on here. I'm writing now, even though I really should be studying for my sociology test tomorrow, because I've realized that blogging (even though I feel like I'm still a nubie) is something I miss. I'll make it short----I can have the best of both worlds, you know? ;) But yee, reading my past entries brought back so many memories that I've put in the back of my mind... I know now that I've grown as a person. Those past experiences don't hurt me anymore, and I actually kind of feel silly for hurting before. But I'm human. We're human. We hurt. We cry. We feel. I also believe that our experiences shape who are are and what we're to become, so no matter how much I hurt in the past and no matter how much I will hurt in the future, I should always remember that those feelings--those experiences--serve a much greater purpose: to make me, me--Dianne.
It's 2:06am, and I need to get up at 8:30 for my 9:30 class. I wish I could write more, but I must go. Expect me soon. Writing this made me feel like a little kid whose mouth waters from watching other kids lick their ice cream in the summer sun. Just as the kid desires an ice cream cone of his one, I desire to write, write, write.

Til we meet again,
Dianne