Losing You

So this blog's gonna be about a close friend of mine.... I feel like I'm losing her, and I don't know if it's because we're both too busy with our lives, or because I'm distancing myself from her... 

It's weird.....especially since we're rooming together! Never in a million years did I think I'd feel like this. I hardly see her, and when we're both at home, we hardly talk because of homework or because she's out in the living room with my other roommate, who I feel isn't too fond of me. I can hardly articulate how I feel at the moment, my apologies. There are just so many things going through my head. I don't really know how to feel. I'm sad, but am I over-complicating things? Am I being too sensitive? Am I being too guarded? Am I just being jealous? *sigh*

Fine.

Let me say it. She doesn't keep up with my blog anyway....

I think I'm jealous. I'm upset.

She and my other roommate have a relationship we don't have. Firstly, they're from the same place, they speak the same language, so I automatically am left out, especially when they're laughing and talking in their native tongue! Secondly, they're majoring in the same thing!! They're taking the same classes, doing the same projects, studying together, etc etc etc. Did I forget to mention that they've known each other longer than we have? Her boyfriend lives in our apartment too (something I did not sign up for, btw!), and I honestly feel like they're a threesome while I'm just put off to the side------such a loner. If I wasn't here, I bet it wouldn't make a difference, since they hardly talk to me, or try to get to know me. Can you imagine the situation I'm in? I feel so alone.... I thought this living situation was going to be better than the dorms, but it isn't. At least in the dorms I had people to talk to all the time. Here, I'm always in my room. I feel so confined, so restricted! I can't even be myself around my other roommate. She makes me feel so uncomfortable! I can feel her judgment in everything that I do, and I don't like that. She makes me feel so inferior, and I'm not an aggressive enough person to stand up for myself. I feel like my friend doesn't help the situation either. I want her to defend me, to stand up for me, but she just stands in the middle - between the other roommate and me. I know it's probably hard for her, since she's friends with both of us, but I want her to make me feel like she still cares for me. I tried being friends with the other roommate, tried talking to her and everything, but she's the one who's making it so difficult. I can sense that she doesn't care if we're friends or not, and that makes it super hard for me. I mean, I shouldn't care if we're friends or not either, right? It's her loss anyway, not mine! But I can't help feeling upset over some of the little things she does --- like excluding me by making dinner for the three of them, or asking the everyone in the apartment except me if they want hot chocolate. I feel jealous that they're able to laugh with each other. I feel jealous because this apartment is like a home to them, while to me, it's not. 

I'm not in a happy place at the moment. I'm not happy in this apartment. I'm not happy with the people I'm with. I'm not happy that I feel like I'm losing one of my closest friends to a girl who doesn't even like me! I'm not happy that I'm being judged. I'm not happy because I feel so alone. I'm just not happy...... :'( 

I'm really looking forward to next year when I get to move out... At least I'm friends with the people I'm moving in with. I wouldn't have to deal with someone who would judge me in everything that I do. I know that I'll be happier. 

Will I still be friends with my friend next year? That, I don't really know the answer to. I live with her, and I already feel like I'm losing her. Imagine not living with her.... What will happen then? 

Gosh. I'm being so emotional right now.... Tears running down my face and everything... Am I PMSing??? Gahhh, I don't know.. I really wish I could just tell someone how I feel right now. I want to tell my friend. I want to scream it to the world, but I can't. I guess that's why I have you, right? You're the only one that listens, besides Him, of course. Thanks for your time... I'm sure I'll write very soon.

With love,
derika

Can't get you out

I'm trying to ignore you. 
I'm trying to stay away.
But none of that even matters
Because I can always still see your face. 
Your face is in my head,
In my dreams when I'm sound asleep,
When I'm riding the Metro,
When I think about what to eat.

I want to escape you,
Ease the guilt I feel inside. 
I've got to get rid of temptation
And let the evilness subside.

Dead Week

This is me.

Sans make up,

Messy hair. 

It's dead week

and I am not ready

for the chem final that's about to kill me.

But this is my "I'm gonna get through this" face. 

So cross your fingers with me.

Let's hope and pray that all will go well.

Don't forget the coffee.

We mustn't forget the coffee. 

How else will I stay awake 

Until 4 in the morning? 

With love,

derika <3

P.S. I was really hesitant to post a pic of myself... Now the whole world can see who I am! 0_0 Maybe I'm just being paranoid...maybe not. Oh well. C'est la vie!

Belief

Being inconsiderate of others is such an ugly trait to have.